Mr, Cupcake at Craters of the Moon

Mr, Cupcake at Craters of the Moon
Mr. Cupcake at Craters of the Moon

Monday, April 2, 2012

Where Home Is

I often get asked where home is. Since I met my husband five years ago, home has been wherever we are together. He and I have both moved a lot in our life, during childhood as adults, we have now lived in three different places together, soon to be a fourth.

So when I get asked this question lately, I often don't know how to answer. I feel the same way when asked "where are you from?" because I am from a lot of places. Where I am from in the conventional sense did not fit me so I left it (several times). I grew up in Alberta, and even though I stayed there for five months after I got back from living in Asia, and three months last summer, it sure never felt like home as most people mean it. My family is still there, but it's their home, not mine.

I have spent most of my adult life on Vancouver Island, minus a couple of years in Asia and the aforementioned eight months in Alberta. I have lived in Victoria, East Sooke, Ucluelet, and now Cowichan Bay. Until a couple of weeks ago, I would refer to my current circumstance as staying here, but now I guess I can say I am living here.

Words are interesting things. If the Universe was to take me literally, and here me say that I'm "staying" here in Cowichan Bay, on Vancouver Island, in Canada, then maybe that is what is holding up my immigration process. The Universe thinks I want to stay here, as in stay put. But really, I am living here. It's not like I stopped living when I moved in. And I may be temporary, but I live here nonetheless. I was telling Toni a few weeks ago that it felt weird to me when I would return from being out for the day and tell my cat that I'm "home"; I had been referring to myself as being "homeless". I realized, in saying that, that it was not true. I have lived in four different homes in the last year! I am rich in homes! And I don't have to pay any mortgages!

I am lucky that I have always had somewhere to go, even if I haven't been able to be with My Sweety. I had another home offered to me yesterday, although temporary (while person is in the UK for a month), and I feel like the Universe is trying to tell me something. I will always have a place to live, be it with friends or family or because of them. Perhaps I had been harbouring fears about homelessness?

This is not the whole picture, when it comes to being at home. Again, having moved around so much, I have learned that I can be comfortable in a number of places, and I have a sense of what feels like a good safe space to gravitate to. I suspect, though, that this has not only to do with a physical place, but also within myself. I am very at home within myself, and let me tell you that was a powerful thing to realize.

I spent many years trying to be someone else (who? I don't even know). I twisted myself into pretzels trying to be who I thought the boyfriend-du-jour wanted me to be. I bore the family condescension of not having a "real job" or being "settled". I tried fitting myself into groups and wore masks and costumes (figuratively as well as literally) to see if that was me. Then, about five years ago, something happened. It was so subtle I almost missed it.

It was around the time that I was applying for grad school.  I had been looking for love for so long (age 32-33), I finally decided to let Jupiter (career) influence me instead of Venus (love). I had more or less given up on finding a spouse/partner/mate in pursuit of my career. It was in that two week period of being accepted into grad school that I met my husband. This is how I know both things were right for me - they were both meant to happen.

When I met Dan, I was 'in my cups', meaning I had had a few beers, it being St. Patrick's Day and we were out with friends. I wasn't expecting to be engaging socially in the flirtation department, in fact, I didn't even realize I had been flirting until the night was over! So on that night, Dan got to see the real me with my guard down. That was the me he fell in love with.

From the beginning he has always told me I was beautiful. That was something I had always wanted in a partner but never got. My vanity needed that. He made me feel good about myself in a way that had never happened before.

Now, five years later, I am happily married to him. We have been apart for more than ten months now and we both know our marriage is rock solid. Knowing I am so "at home" in my relationship, it came time for me a few months ago to confront my vanity and shave my head, stop wearing makeup. I knew Dan would be okay with it and love me no matter what. He referred to my lack of makeup as not having a mask on. So he really did fall in love with the me underneath my coiffing (not that I was a high-maintenance Barbie doll or anything, but I did use to devote time in the morning to my appearance).

I have had really short hair before, but it when I was single and had low self-esteem. I felt very unattractive and unsexy, and therefore I was. This time it is different. I am now, very at home in myself, in fact I love myself, and I feel good in my skin.

Thus ends my discourse on home. The word has all kinds of meanings for me, and the answer I give you if you ask me will depend on how philosophical you want to get about the meaning of home.

1 comment:

  1. It really sounds like you have worked out a few things. Maybe it's almost time for you to be with your sweetie for good. The Universe works in mysterious ways. I too never found true love until I stopped looking for it. That was 24 years ago. Never looked back!

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