Mr, Cupcake at Craters of the Moon

Mr, Cupcake at Craters of the Moon
Mr. Cupcake at Craters of the Moon

Saturday, May 12, 2012

How low do I have to get?

I thought I had already hit bottom. Lately the phrase "things will get worse before they get better" has been hanging around me. I don't want to be a person who mopes all the time. I want to be happy, optimistic, and have faith that the Universe will take care of me.

I have many reasons to be happy. I am living with loving friends, my cat is happy, spring is in full swing and on the verge of summer. Going for walks brings wonderful fresh air with intoxicating blossom scents. The heat of the day warms the wood resins to bring out that woody smell I love so much. I started volunteering at Providence Farm this week past and that has caused me to think more deeply about where I'm at right now, as I have been asked a number of times "what kind of work would you like to do?" and "how long have you lived in Cowichan Bay?" I have so many stories to tell and I really enjoy meeting new people. I try to tell my story in a way that does not evoke pity because honestly, I don't want pity. Everyone empathizes of course, and they tell me it must be hard.

I have to remind myself that this separation from my husband is not permanent. It's not like he has gone off to fight a war from which he may never return. It's not like we can't communicate. On the whole, all things considered, we are managing pretty well despite the three hour time difference.

The latest news is that we'll have our next Notice of Action in 30-45 business days, which will land between mid-June and early July. And that could mean anything - rejection, approval, a request for more information. So now we're looking at July at the earliest that I will be with Dan. July. At the earliest. That is hard to swallow. We felt a small sense of hope when we had correspondence from the Senator, but all he has managed to do for us is find out that we are again further delayed in the system more than we thought.

For a while I noticed that my feelings of sadness fell into cycles, the worst of it often, naturally, around the time of my period. Once I identified that it became easier to deal with. I'd have a feeling of sadness - feeling particularly low - about once a week.

Lately it has been more frequent and intense. A female family member strongly encouraged me to seek medical help, offered to drive me to my doctor, and really feels like I should be on anti-depressants. Well, no. No thank you. I have been on anti-depressants and they messed me up far more than the depression itself did. And what I am experiencing can be cured by the arrival of my green card and husband - I don't want chemicals to numb my senses.

Crying takes a lot out of me, so I've been really tired a lot lately. I put my game face on and I'm perhaps quieter than usual. Something good will come of this. I have to think of this time as the rain before the rainbow that leads to the pot of gold. And I suspect that the reason these sad feelings have been getting bigger and more frequent is because we're coming up to one year since Dan left for North Carolina. One year. We certainly didn't expect it would take this long. Gosh, I sure hope I get there before the fall!

Every so often Judith, who has been waiting for years for her immigration, reminds me to not to expect anything from the USCIS, because the green card is this ethereal thing that you can't count on until it is tangibly in your hands (I'm paraphrasing). I guess the trouble is that when we ask when we can expect something, we are given an answer and then it turns out to be much longer than they said. Or the rules change and there is a new step.

Still. Something good will come of this. We will get through it and start our adventures all over again, together.

1 comment:

  1. And someday you will tell the story and tell how it was sooo worth it in the long run. The Universe always has a purpose. Hang tough. My thoughts and best wishes are with you!

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