Not the smoothest transition

I must admit I *love* being a housewife. Waking up when I want, setting my own pace, drinking coffee, writing, doing laundry, baking bread, reading/writing/knitting at my leisure. It's really a lot of fun.

But it doesn't pay the bills. My new job at the health food store is nice, but it is not going to pay any bills either. So far I have had only one or two shifts a week, and they are only four hour shifts, so it is definitely not sustainable for me. I'll have a conversation with the owner next week and we'll talk about what our needs are, mine and hers, and see if we can come to a new arrangement.

Part of the problem is that we are planning some weekend trips in the next five weeks. I am going to the AMIA Symposium in DC in the middle of November. I registered for the symposium back in August, paid $700 from basically a whole paycheck in order to be able to go. Normally the people who go to these kinds of things are sponsored by their employer or school. I decided to fork over the money and go so I can meet people and get back into my field - health informatics. I will do all kinds of research before I go - who is presenting, where the attendees are from, who are the right people to approach with my curriculum vitae in hand.Surely with the symposium being so close there should be a fairly good representation from employers in North Carolina, right?

One thing is for certain: there no career for me in Kinston or even Greenville, it sounds like. With my education and experience, well-meaning people who don't know any better keep telling me I'm sure to get something at such-and-such a place. But I have been applying to all of those places. I am either overqualified or don't have the skill set they are looking for. I need a bigger market to be looking in. I'm sure I could find work that would allow me to pay my bills, but my career is idling and after all those years I spent in post-secondary, it's a shame to let all that go to waste. I have huge income-earning potential and after getting a sense of what it is like to run a business (albeit a night club), I am ready for a bigger project to sink my teeth into. But how do I get there? How do I get my foot in the door?

Admittedly this is a terrible time to be looking for work. The US government has been shut down since October 1st and is heading for a default, which will not only mean severe hardship for federal employees, but also to all those businesses that rely on those government agencies and the income generated by them. The US economy as a whole is contracting and will continue to contract. Where will I find my place?

On the other hand, with the Affordable Care Act (i.e. Obamacare), one would think that there is a demand for someone with a health informatics background in this new health care paradigm. Unfortunately the Courtyard Group is enmeshed in another controversy after making a big attempt, it seems, to rebrand itself after what they did a few years ago, and it is they who are responsible for the problems all those millions of Americans who have tried to sign up for Affordable Care but were shut down by website glitches. Interestingly, I was considering taking a job with Courtyard when I graduated in 2009, before all the scandal broke out. I am so glad I dodged that bullet!

I am sure you are wondering too what a job for me in the city will mean for me and Dan. It's hard to know. For the right job, say in Durham, (specifically at Duke) we talked about me getting an apartment for work during the week and coming back to Kinston on weekends. Yes it would suck to be apart so much, especially after our immigration ordeal, but the fact is I need to be earning money and using my brain. Maybe we could find a place to live that's halfway in between here and there - I have friends in British Columbia who do that. I don't have this imaginary well-paying job yet, so it's almost futile to really consider.

I really like not working six days a week. I really like not working weekends, and being able to spend my weekends with Dan is wonderful. The night club was really quite stressful for me, really more stressful than I realized while I was in it. In some ways I'm still having a hard time letting go, but that will come in time.

The other thing I am finding is that now that I am not working in a job that has me interacting with hundreds of people, I... have no social life. I only see people if I go to the restaurants downtown or back to the club for a visit. I would love to join or participate in a stitch night, but for a state that grows cotton there are very few people who do any textile-based crafts in this area. It's really disappointing. I heard there is a book club in Kinston but that it's "mostly old ladies", which wouldn't bother me if it didn't bother them, depending on the kinds of books they read.

And it's not like I can go hang out in coffee shops. There is only one, is only open until 4:00, weekdays. I can't really go for walks or runs in my neighborhood without getting ogled by men or being asked for money/cigarettes - there is a lot of poverty here and I don't feel safe outside my truck or without Dan at my side. Now that I am not completely enmeshed in my job I have time to look around.

I feel hopeful that something really good is about to come along though. I have a lot of applications out there and I am excited about the symposium. Not only will I get reacquainted with the state of the art in health informatics, but I will see who the big players are now and hopefully I recognize a few - I knew all the names back around 2005-2009. I'll give my CV a facelift and I am even reconsidering joining LinkedIn again - I dropped it a few years back when I saw no value in it, but it seems to have changed according to some. (If you have an opinion on this I would love to hear it).

what I can control: space

Ever since I was a kid I have always been a person who would rearrange furniture in my living space. I would regularly try a number of orientations of furniture to eke out the most possible floor space or wall space or sunlight, depending on the circumstance. I can remember doing this in my bedroom as a child, and certainly everywhere I have lived as an adult (where I was living alone or with Dan).

I don't know the reason I do this. Is it because I get bored? Is it because I have an engineering mind and I am looking for optimum form as well as function? I have a hard time being content with one static way of doing things.

I moved back to Victoria a month ago, and I think I have changed things around this room about four times so far. There were things left in this room that have no real purpose, so they were tucked away elsewhere. I needed light by the bed. I needed a place to put Sam's two scratching posts. I wanted more floor space to put down my yoga mat. I wanted a place to have my chair by the window so I could knit by daylight. (Ha ha yeah right, as if I have TIME to knit during the day!) I also wanted to be able to access the windows to open them, as one of them sticks and needs some close-up force to get it open.I added some fabric to the sheer curtains to give me a bit more privacy and to shut out the morning light when I'm still sleeping.

At any rate, as it looks like I'm going to be staying in this room for more than just a few weeks, I am settling in to making it my own for the time being. Sam likes the constant change, as it gives her new places to explore. It also means, for me, that when I move a shelf or dresser that I can clean the wall and floor behind/under it. It may be a small thing, but if I can't control the main chart of my life right now, at least I can manage this.

Where Home Is

I often get asked where home is. Since I met my husband five years ago, home has been wherever we are together. He and I have both moved a lot in our life, during childhood as adults, we have now lived in three different places together, soon to be a fourth.

So when I get asked this question lately, I often don't know how to answer. I feel the same way when asked "where are you from?" because I am from a lot of places. Where I am from in the conventional sense did not fit me so I left it (several times). I grew up in Alberta, and even though I stayed there for five months after I got back from living in Asia, and three months last summer, it sure never felt like home as most people mean it. My family is still there, but it's their home, not mine.

I have spent most of my adult life on Vancouver Island, minus a couple of years in Asia and the aforementioned eight months in Alberta. I have lived in Victoria, East Sooke, Ucluelet, and now Cowichan Bay. Until a couple of weeks ago, I would refer to my current circumstance as staying here, but now I guess I can say I am living here.

Words are interesting things. If the Universe was to take me literally, and here me say that I'm "staying" here in Cowichan Bay, on Vancouver Island, in Canada, then maybe that is what is holding up my immigration process. The Universe thinks I want to stay here, as in stay put. But really, I am living here. It's not like I stopped living when I moved in. And I may be temporary, but I live here nonetheless. I was telling Toni a few weeks ago that it felt weird to me when I would return from being out for the day and tell my cat that I'm "home"; I had been referring to myself as being "homeless". I realized, in saying that, that it was not true. I have lived in four different homes in the last year! I am rich in homes! And I don't have to pay any mortgages!

I am lucky that I have always had somewhere to go, even if I haven't been able to be with My Sweety. I had another home offered to me yesterday, although temporary (while person is in the UK for a month), and I feel like the Universe is trying to tell me something. I will always have a place to live, be it with friends or family or because of them. Perhaps I had been harbouring fears about homelessness?

This is not the whole picture, when it comes to being at home. Again, having moved around so much, I have learned that I can be comfortable in a number of places, and I have a sense of what feels like a good safe space to gravitate to. I suspect, though, that this has not only to do with a physical place, but also within myself. I am very at home within myself, and let me tell you that was a powerful thing to realize.

I spent many years trying to be someone else (who? I don't even know). I twisted myself into pretzels trying to be who I thought the boyfriend-du-jour wanted me to be. I bore the family condescension of not having a "real job" or being "settled". I tried fitting myself into groups and wore masks and costumes (figuratively as well as literally) to see if that was me. Then, about five years ago, something happened. It was so subtle I almost missed it.

It was around the time that I was applying for grad school.  I had been looking for love for so long (age 32-33), I finally decided to let Jupiter (career) influence me instead of Venus (love). I had more or less given up on finding a spouse/partner/mate in pursuit of my career. It was in that two week period of being accepted into grad school that I met my husband. This is how I know both things were right for me - they were both meant to happen.

When I met Dan, I was 'in my cups', meaning I had had a few beers, it being St. Patrick's Day and we were out with friends. I wasn't expecting to be engaging socially in the flirtation department, in fact, I didn't even realize I had been flirting until the night was over! So on that night, Dan got to see the real me with my guard down. That was the me he fell in love with.

From the beginning he has always told me I was beautiful. That was something I had always wanted in a partner but never got. My vanity needed that. He made me feel good about myself in a way that had never happened before.

Now, five years later, I am happily married to him. We have been apart for more than ten months now and we both know our marriage is rock solid. Knowing I am so "at home" in my relationship, it came time for me a few months ago to confront my vanity and shave my head, stop wearing makeup. I knew Dan would be okay with it and love me no matter what. He referred to my lack of makeup as not having a mask on. So he really did fall in love with the me underneath my coiffing (not that I was a high-maintenance Barbie doll or anything, but I did use to devote time in the morning to my appearance).

I have had really short hair before, but it when I was single and had low self-esteem. I felt very unattractive and unsexy, and therefore I was. This time it is different. I am now, very at home in myself, in fact I love myself, and I feel good in my skin.

Thus ends my discourse on home. The word has all kinds of meanings for me, and the answer I give you if you ask me will depend on how philosophical you want to get about the meaning of home.