Mr, Cupcake at Craters of the Moon

Mr, Cupcake at Craters of the Moon
Mr. Cupcake at Craters of the Moon

Monday, August 15, 2011

I save you from me

Hoo-boy last week was rough.

Mercury is retrograde from August 2 - 26. That means anything to do with transportation and communication will be problematic. It is also a good time for tying up loose ends. I finally got my damage deposit back! The United States Immigration Service now has all they need to process me! But the retrograde period can be a frustrating time.

The full moon was the other night, and the days leading up a full moon are often fraught with challenges.

I came down with a cold on Monday, a week ago, and it's only just now leaving me.

I was experiencing the physical and emotional symptoms of PMS.

I hadn't slept well in weeks, and being sick sure didn't help. 

And I miss My Sweety.

Friday was the crappiest day of the crappy week. Lori had a big trip to Edmonton planned so we could go to IKEA, so I put my game face on and away we went, me, Lori, and the kids.

I love IKEA. It's one of my favourite stores. I love the clean lines and solid colours, the storage solutions, the interesting combinations of form & function. Not everything they have is awesome, I'm not a fan of anything made with pressboard, but there is a lot there I do like.

I really like imagining my house with different colours and furniture and accessories, which is part of what makes IKEA so much fun. Only... I don't have a sense of what the house I'll be moving into looks like. And I can't make these decisions without Dan. My head was full of fuzz and yuck as the cold medicine I took wasn't working, and I felt somewhat numb as we floated along the store.

It was around the pillows where I broke down. I really need a new pillow. A firm-ish pillow, preferably a contour pillow, but nothing they had was suitable. And then I thought of Dan and how much I miss him and how it's been 11 1/2 weeks since I'd seen him and DAMMIT I wish I knew when I was going to see him again because this "being strong on my own" crap is killing me. So there I was in IKEA, in front of the pillows, crying. My niece comes along. "What's wrong Auntie?" "I miss Uncle Dan." She never knows how to respond to that, but she offers a compassionate look (which in itself impresses me, coming from a six-year-old) and that is enough.

I was finally able to talk to Dan on the phone that night, we hadn't been able to connect in nearly a week. It was the first time we'd had a phone conversation where I was crying during our talk, and it was pretty hard to get words out with my sinuses full from being sick and crying.

But I got it out, this big emotional dump, and I felt better the next day. Another conversation with Dan the day after made me feel even better.

It has been really difficult being away from Dan for this long. We didn't meet until I was 33, so I have spent a lot of my adult life as a single woman, but when I finally found the Love of my Life, I sure as heck wasn't going to let him go. At first I kept reminding myself about Toni and the Skipper, how when she was starting her Ph.D. she went to school in Edmonton while he held down the fort on Vancouver Island. They had spent entire semesters apart, as I recall. I thought "If they could do it, then so can I". But the difference is they knew when the end point was. They had a date of her return. I don't have that. I have no idea when I'll be leaving, no clue when I will be reunited with my Love. I hope it's soon.

Lori has started asking me about the fall. Can I take her son to preschool on Wednesdays? Can I put her daughter on the bus in the mornings? Maybe I'll be here for Halloween... NO! I mean, I love spending my time with my sister and being a good influence on the kids but I really hope I'll be long gone by then. I desperately want to get on with my life. I ask the Universe, the Ancestors, the powers that be - every day, please let me be reunited with My Sweety soon.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Stace, you've put up a brave face for so long. I'm glad you finally had the breakdown and then the feeling better (a bit anyway) on the other side.

    Long distance is SO tough, and your situation is MUCH tougher than mine. Don't you remember S with me on the phone EVERY night, rain or shine? And more than a few late night teary calls. We did have some end points, but that never helped much in the middle--emotions aren't rational, remember? :)

    But I would say that when I was away those couple of years, remember that we weren't married yet, and I still had many insecurities about the relationship, especially in that first year. You know that your relationship is rock solid, and you know that when you do see each other again it will be WONDERFUL!!!

    I always imagine the days before phone calls and internet, especially with war brides. All those letters, not regularly delivered, then showing up all in a bunch, maybe a month after they were sent...I am in awe of how those couples survived, sometimes in happy marriages for many decades to come.

    S and I feel like that time gave us the gift of a much stronger relationship, and an important lesson in knowing that we could give each other space and freedom and be ok together. Both of those have been hugely important for our lives together. But both of us agree that we'd never *want* to do it again. Even if we know we could, if we had to.

    Strength and hugs to you and fingers crossed for those immigration officials to be speedy!

    xxxxooooToni

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  2. Thanks for your comment Toni, I had forgotten that that time for you was before you were married. I too have thought about what it must have been like for war brides - in the first couple of weeks after Dan left I was listening to Gone With the Wind on audiobook and I recalled it was years before Ashley came back to Melanie, and she had no word of whether he was dead or alive for a long time. I do count my blessings that I get at least one text message a day from Dan.

    Yup, I'm hanging in there...

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