No, this isn't about my gastrointestinal functioning.
I had another depressive episode this morning. Our kitty has been acting funny, walking with a bit of a limp and hesitating to jump on a chair that's only 40cm tall, when normally that's no great stretch for her. We examined her last night and she seemed to have no pain on palpation and there were no signs of gashes or bite marks. Nothing stuck in her paws. Her appetite seems fine and we haven't noticed any difference in the litter box. I'm just so sensitive to this cat's movements that the slightest anomaly worries me.
And I worry. When I saw her walking funny this morning, I burst out into tears. Of course I worry for her, and if we have to take her into the vet, we have to drive for an hour to get to Port Alberni.
I titled this post 'TMI' (Too Much Information) because to some, depression is a private thing that does not get talked about. My bursting into tears this morning wasn't so much about the kitty, though the kitty was the catalyst, but was more a releasing of the sadness inside me.
When I was in university the first time, I wrote an article for the Martlet that was published about when I was raped in Greece when I was 19. I wrote it for me as a sort of catharsis, but also because these kinds of things simply don't get talked about. My point in doing so was to remind people that even though, statistically, one in three women will experience sexual violence, that those are only the reported numbers.
Depression is also something, in my view, that does not really get talked about that much. I know I brought it up a few weeks ago and the Pink Cupcakes have reigned supreme ever since. So what brought on my episode this morning? I wish I knew. I mean I have some ideas, of course. But that's the thing - I'm trying to think my way out of something that is chemical and/or emotional.
Another reason I post about this publicly is to show you, dear reader, that I am human and I am not afraid to be open about this. Is it mental illness? A mood disorder? A bad month? Time will tell. (But I sure hope it is the latter!) The more people know and talk about depression I think will benefit everyone - those who suffer from it and those around the sufferers. I'm lucky I have a wonderful husband to help me through, and a great understanding boss who will give me all the leeway I need. Sometimes, that's enough to get through the darkness.